This article is complete bullshit.

I love the little news links on Yahoo.com. They're always some crazy, zany ass bullshit that no one really cares about in the first place, like for instance "5 exercises you can do in your bed!". If one through four aren't some variation of having sex, and five isn't masturbating, I don't know what to tell you. Why would anyone think to write an article about exercises you can do in your bed? Everyone knows what the bed is for -- it's for hot, hot anal sex. Anyway, these articles are like ambrosia for the mind, and today's morning Yahoo surfing left me with this gem of a turd:

11 Secrets Men Keep From Their Wives - Love + Sex on Shine

Secrets that men keep from their motherfucking wives. First of all, judging by the title and source, this was either written by a latex wearing homo or a recently dumped chick. If I had to bet on one, I'd probably bet the latter given the massive amounts of horse shit she chooses for the so-called 'secrets.'

Secret #1: Yes, we fall in lust 10 times a day — but it doesn't mean we want to leave you.

How is this a secret? 90% of guys will tell you straight up they would fuck a hole in a fence if it was painted pink, and the other 10% are lying if they say they wouldn't. There's no secret here. SECRET: WATER IS MADE OUT OF H2O, SKY IS BLUE. Breaking fucking news.

Secret #2: We actually do play golf to get away from you.

No, dudes play Golf because it's like slamming your dick in a car door, and if that's a skill you can master that means you have one hard, long, numb dick. It's pure competition, a true gentleman's game as it were. Getting away from you is just a bonus. By the way, does it sound like the dude who dumped her is a complete douchewad at this point? It sounds like that to me. Not every guy just wants to get away from your bullshit, you know.

Secret #3: We're unnerved by the notion of commitment, even after we've made one to you.

No we aren't. Once we've made a commitment, we've made it, unless guy in question is the dickbag mentioned above that likes to get the fuck away from your bullshit, and checks out women's asses every 10 seconds when in public. This is not a secret, this is the taste of your bitter tears.

Secret #4: Earning money makes us feel important.

Noo?!?!?!?! It's not so much about earning money, though, it's more about being able to roll up in a Bently and while wearing your dick as a belt. Status. It goes back thousands of years, look into it.

Secret #5: Though we often protest, we actually enjoy fixing things around the house.

What? This doesn't even make sense. First, what kind of shitwad complains about doing something they enjoy? If he complains about doing it, chances are he probably doesn't like doing it. Second, if he complains, does it anyway, and ends up liking it, and STILL COMPLAINS, what the fuck are you doing with his whiny bitch ass anyway? You already have one pussy, why do you need two? Grow the fuck up a little bit and take some responsibility here.

Secret #6: We like it when you mother us, but we're terrified that you'll become your mother.

Not even going to touch this with a 40 foot pole. Looks like they didn't either, THANK GOD.

Secret #7: Every year we love you more

It's great that we've taken a sudden turn from the bitter tears, to the creepy, and now to the romantic, but this is entirely dependent on the chick in question. For instance, if your chick is a raging bitch while on the rag and runs around posting about your 'SECRETS' to Redbook, chances are we think you're more of a bitch every year that goes by, and might probably end up divorcing you. If only it weren't for that damn commitment thing...OH WAIT.

Secret #8: We don't really understand what you're talking about.

As the fuck if. We really do understand what you're talking about, WE DON'T CARE. There's more important shit going on in the world than what color you're going to paint your fucking toenails. You know what I do with my toenails? I rip them off with a pair of needle nose pliers and eat them. There's a secret you can jot down in your little black book of bullshit.

Secret #9: We are terrified when you drive.

Yeah, if you're a terrible fucking driver, which you probably fucking are given by this 'secret.' The only reason we like driving so much is because unless you live in Utah, where every chick drives and the dude rides bitch, it's a status symbol, just like our bently and 32" dick.

Secret #10: We'll always wish we were 25 again.

...

Get the fuck out.

Secret #11: Give us an inch and we'll give you a lifetime.

Look, the last thing I want you giving me is an inch of anything. There's some dudes that like a little fingering action right before they climb the mountain, if you know what I'm getting at and I think you do, but for the most part you can get the hell out with that shit. That said, how can you even begin to reconcile this with your other bullshit? I'm afraid to commit but if you throw me a bone every now and then I'll walk to the end of the Earth for you? What?



In closing, you can obviously see that Yahoo News is probably the best website on the internet right now. I highly encourage everyone to read it, and find articles like these to make your day brighter. I can't wait for the "13 things you can do with a Baby Seal!" article they throw at me next week, it will be GLORIOUS.