Here There Be Penises (ok just one)

AUTHOR'S NOTE: VERY TRAUMATIC

So I promised the IRC crew that I would post the full rundown of events behind another night, and this one is just fucking weird. It is quite possibly one of those times where you wonder "Can random ass shit with no explanation happen to me?" and you inevitably discover the answer. Like I said, this story is random, and I still to this day have many questions about the motives of those involved.

Like many of my stories concerning my roommates, this one deals with excessive alcohol and the inability of people to handle the consumption of said vice. Now, I have a theory that if a night starts with Jager Bombs, it is going to be a bad night. This is merely anecdotal, but I have a feeling it is very true considering my past experiences. Anyways, after we did the Jager Bombs, the night was lacking in interesting things to do. So in a stroke of great intelligence, it was decided the gang would go across the river to Newport on the Levy to a German theme bar called Hofferhouse. Let me tell you, this was a cheesy as shit bar. It had the girls in the skimpy Alpine dresses, wooden tabels, bartenders with giant 70s porn star staches, and was overpriced. It did however serve beer in glasses called "Dunkels"(euros can correct me on this), which were roughly 3 American beers worth of booze. As a side note, I had gotten my hands on a fake idea a few weeks earlier and was breaking it in. Continuing on, two of my roommates drank 3 of these glasses in under an hour. This got them beyond wasted, and they started acting like total dicks. Think standard bro behavior, and then add in a shit ton of douchebaggery.

Moving on with the story, we basically got forcibly ejected from the bar due to their actions. Having only 1 beer(normal size), I drove the clown car full of 3 roommates and two girlfriends back to our house. This was only at like 10:30 at night, so of course calls were made to invite people over because WE GOTTA PLAY SOME CRAZY AWESOME BEER PONG BRO! At this point, I said fuck it, because this being back in February roughly, I was wise to their antics. I went back up to my room and decided to just relax with video games or what not. Now, it gets to be a decently large party, and I can hear from my third floor vantage point the cries for more liquor at some point during the night. Time drags on, and eventually I begin to blur everything out because this is pretty regular.

Skipping forward, it is now early morning. I hear some arguing, and it is one of my roommates and his girlfriend. I hear a door slam, and the girlfriend's pleas for him to let her in. Their shouting goes on and off for about a half hour, and then she just stops. Now, because crazy shit happens, I was curious about the damage done from the past night. Silently as possible, I creep down to the second floor and begin poking around. And there is, well, nothing. At a glance, it seems all is well, except that our banister for the small landing we have is missing. I move to head to the first floor, and get a whiff of vomit. Well, fucking super. Using my phone as a flashlight, I try to see the stains and discover one of my roommates passed out in the middle of the stair. The vomit? Its underneath him in a nice waterfall formation. So, a stupid thing, abate made weird by the place where said roommate was sleeping.

I headed back up to my room, when on the second floor I noticed something curious. The bathroom light was on, and the door was closed. I politely knocked on the door, and there was no response. I open it and discover my second roommate naked and soaking in the bathtub, passed out. But, as terrible as this is, it isn't the worst part. It gets weird as hell when I notice the liquid he is soaking in. There are countless cans of Natti Light lying around, and three bottles of Jagermister. And the smell of alcohol coming from the bathtub proves that the murky brown liquid he is in is in fact the contents of the containers empty around the bathroom. So there he is, sitting with his Mr. Winky bobbing in the half full bathtub full of liquor and beer. But wait, what does he have his arm wrapped around? Why, the missing banister I mentioned earlier.

Now, I have to talk about this banister. It is quite frankly the most amazing and badass banister you will ever come across. Five times it has been all but destroyed, and 5 times has it been rebuilt. As of writing this, I am in a newer (and much nicer house), but it lacks the banister of pure bad assery. Now, I know we are getting away from the good part of the story, but let me give you a run down on why this banister is so great. It's moments of collapse are often times key and amazing. It has prevented random hicks, who were invited off the street to hang with us, from fucking because it collapsed when the guy leaned his girlfriend against it. It has stopped fights dead in their tracks because it breaks and sends an opponent tumbling to the first floor. Let me put it this way, if I got to have an item in wow named after me, if would be "Embittered/Levival's Banister of Sheer Tenacity". This banister has had more amazing moments, but we are straying too far from the story.

Going back to my roommate defiling the banister by having it in the tub with him, I realize there is a serious risk of him drowning like the moron he is. Now, I usually don't go out of my way to prevent a Darwin award from happening, but most corpses don't pay the god damn rent and utilities. So, I found myself forced to drag my alcohol drenched, naked roommate from the bathtub. I got slapped by his dick dragging him out, and it was one of the most awkward things I have done. I dragged him to the door of his room, and I decided to just say "fuck it, good enough." I was already scarred enough by this incident, and trying to get him into his room where his crazy girlfriend was sleeping (also most likely naked, but it wasn't anything I hadn't seen before) was out of the question.

So I left him there, naked and moist, and wiped off my hands. I went back to my room and just sat there for around an hour contemplating the Why of what I found. Had the first roommate been thrown into the banister, and then failed to move when puking on the stairs? Was there some amazing drinking game dealing with bathtubs and copious amounts of booze? These questions and more I had, and when I pressed those involved in the morning none could remember the Why as well. In the end, the real tragedy was the banister and the humiliation it suffered.

TL;DR- My roommates went back in time and raped dinosaurs, becoming progenitors of the human race.